ranting it all out..

• Before I start this ranting out session, just wanna wish the Lims a safe trip to and back from Rome and Finland, and Charlene a safe trip to and back from Australia.. And NS is in 10 days.. sigh..

• Life pulls you in every direction sometimes.. While we are here on earth, we're fools to our lives.. Oblivious to many happenings, blind to many obvious truths.. At times, we see the light for that short moment, but it all fades away in that 1 minute.. There are many things that we see, but we choose NOT to accept, NOT to understand.. But rather to just dismiss everything as irrelevant facts.. But there comes a time in our lives, when we're forced to notice all the things we keep dismissing as unimportant.. We hide behind curtains of denial, but when the wind blows the curtains away, there's nothing to shield us anymore..

• It's difficult to face the truth.. Especially since I've been pushing it all away for so long.. But I can't keep lying to myself.. My mind is just way too smart for it.. My heart might be saying "this is all worth it".. But my mind has now kicked into overdrive mode, it's too difficult to ignore the signals my brains keep sending.. In the battle between heart and mind, my heart used to win.. ALL the time.. Not anymore.. My heart is giving in to the persistent fights of my mind.. It's not so strong anymore.. And I have a hunch that it's happening because this time, my mind is right..

• I watch things happen all around me.. I used to be content with all the half truths and full lies I tell myself, but I can't take it anymore.. It kills me inside to take everything in now, but better sooner that later rite? If I don't do it now, I don't know when I ever will.. Each day in our lives, we go that extra mile for that 1 person in our lives.. At times there maybe more than 1 person, but many times, that 1 person matters the most.. You would go that extra mile for others, but that extra mile will NEVER be for me.. I finally see that now..

• It's easy for me to type all this out, but for me to accept it? Just about one of the hardest things ever.. Simply because I've been lying to myself.. Convincing myself to believe that maybe, just maybe, 1 of the extra miles might be for me.. It's never going to happen.. The situation is so bleak that at times, I even find it amusing.. Why, you might ask? Well, it's simple.. I find myself amusing.. I find my inability to move on, and my incompetence in letting go a classic case of stupidity.. I'm at times so stupid that I amaze myself.. What do all the As count for if I cannot even do something that does not need any studying?

• Life plays its little jokes on us.. A little optical illusion here, a little good news there.. And then, life yanks it all out from underneath us.. And we fall, and fall, into the deep dark hole of tears.. But don't blame life.. Oh, never blame life.. When it happens, blame yourself.. Blame yourself for falling for the tricks.. Blame yourself for letting your guard down.. Blame yourself for ever hoping for more than what you deserve to get..

• And so, I blame me now.. For being such a fool.. For allowing myself to fall into that deep dark hole.. For lying to myself.. For hoping, and constantly hoping, that things might be different.. For always wanting to run that extra mile for you, because it now makes everything harder.. Finally, for allowing life to play its tricks on myself.. I never thought it'll happen to me.. But life dealt its cards..

And here I am...