emotions...

as you all know, I was not in a very good mood yesterday la.. well, I really was in bad shape.. I cried while blogging, while bathing, while lying on my bed.. that's how bad things were ystd.. what with me being so emotional edi, so obviously every little thing just pushed me beyond my limit.. I was strong before because I had the strength, but ystd I lost it.. I lost every bit of strength that I had for the past week.. So whatever happened came back to haunt me and for the first time ever, I wondered if it was the right thing to do..was it?? I could take it then, but can I take it now??will I be able to keep myself steady and live life like I'm supposed to?? Can I smile everyday like how I always do?? Then I think about my friendship.. (If you read this, I dunno if you will know it's you.. But if you do, and if you want to, come and talk to me bout it k..) well, I realise she and I have grown apart.. and it tears me up inside cuz I really do not know why.. to me it feels like she's isolating herself.. or maybe she feels that we don't welcome her.. It's weird la, and hard to describe.. But now that the streaming is on, I feel really bad cuz we did not get to talk it through and clear things.. and now we're being separated.. and it hit me that maybe, we really wasted our time, using it to grow apart instead of being closer.. and it's a ridiculous thing to do considering the fact that we're usually so comfortable with each other!! well, as if thinking bout all these isn't bad enough, I started thinking on who I am and who I'm gonna be.. At certain points in my life, I wonder.. Am I truly like that?? Or am I showing only 1 side of me?? Am I really as happy as I perceive myself to be, or am I lying to the world, even to myself?? what scares me the most is that I dunno the answers to those questions.. I really don't.. And what's to happen to me after high school?? Where do I go, what do I do?? Right now i feel as if I have no direction in life and it scares me.. I wanna be prepared, and yet I cant.. Am I really as strong as i say I am?? Can I really take all this?? Friends, family, future, past, present.. I pray and I pray that God will give me a sign, from anywhere, anything.. To tell me, that there's a reason, his plans exist and they're good.. I'm trying so very hard to make myself believe this.. thank goodness I still semi do, even if it's not fully at least it's something.. I realise that I've not appreciated time, I've taken things lightly and I've wasted time.. As a result, I'm left regretting in the dark now.. There were so many things I should have said, but I never did.. Now I cant bring the time back.. And I'm not sure if it's too late, but I think it is.. How very sad those three words are... IT'S TOO LATE...