Crap.

Honestly,  I still feel like crap these days. And I don't know why. I mean, I've already set up my mind on what to do, all I have to do is just do it right? Not easy la k. I'm just being distracted constantly. Something is just not right in my opinion. But I just can't pinpoint what is it. FML much? sigh.


My thoughts are all like in the middle of a big hurricane. Everything is just spinning around, and I'm just getting super confused. One minute I have this thought in front my mind, the next minute everything spins around and another one appears. I just wish I could either stop the hurricane, or hold onto one thought so tightly it can't escape. Now I sound like a crazy lunatic raving on and on about hurricanes. =.=


I think I just need another holiday again. Like wtf can I just came back from one last week, now I need another one again. I think I just need a permanent holiday, where I don't have to see anyone or do anything. Yes sometimes I'm weird like that, deal with it. Being around people reminds me about a lot of things, makes me think more. It is genuinely easier when I don't have to deal with anything.


Faaaaaarrrrrkkkk la really what is wrong with me? I think I really might just be going through quarter life crisis. And don't laugh, it exists ok. Go and wiki it if you don't believe me.

StupiddumbassidioticshitihavenoideawhatthefarkiswrongwithmeidontevenmakesenseanymoreEFFthisshitimgonnasleepnowthistotallysucksiamderangedinsaneindecisiveficklemindedandithinkitmightbepmsbutwthijustdontlikethisfaaaaaaaaaarrrrrkkkkkkandfmlfmlfmlfmlfmlfmlfmlokiamdone.

Note to self.

I know what not to do now. Over-dependence on someone or something. Just a very random thought, cuz I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. It seems like I usually always fall into deep shit whenever I become too dependent on someone, or I rely on that someone to much for something. And yes I admit I'm a very open girl, so I really generally tell people a lot if I need to talk to them, and I guess I become too dependent on them. So no more, no more.


Oh and another thing, it does not hurt distancing myself from people at times. Cuz the closer I am to people, the more everything hurts if and when everything goes wrong. When I'm so close to some people, it feels weird not talking to them, not seeing them. And even worse, when things get weird, that person leaves or when things happen, I'm the one that gets hurt, as always.


So no more. I refuse to be thrown into the same position time and time again, and this time I'm gonna act and NOT allow myself to be in positions like that anymore. Basically now it seems to be, it's a hell lot easier if I trust myself and keep to myself. Except of course with my BFFs la. They're my support system. Other than that, I'm gonna try not to be dependent on anyone, and not to be THAT close to anyone. 


Because I'm tired of all the goodbyes I have to say, all the problems I immerse myself into, and all the situations that occur. Now I finally realise why some people just keep pushing other people away. Dear God please just give me the strength to stand strong ON MY OWN.

Time to learn how to go about with things on my own.

P/s: My 300th post. It's a good note to self post in my opinion. =)

I am done.

Yeah I'm done. I'm done trying, I'm done caring. You not saying anything, is already saying enough for me to know what I need to do. This is the closure I needed, I now know that I can move on with no regrets. I did what I had to, I tried my best and gave it my all. But it takes 2 to tango and if you want to be distant and keep things between us distant, I really can't do anything about it.


Either way, thank you, for all the times that you were there for me. Cuz you really were my pillar during so many occasions, and you made me believe in myself. You changed me in small ways that I bet you didn't realise, but I can see the changes in me, I can feel them too. You might have hurt me but that does not change the fact that you once made me happy too. Just cuz things are not the same now, does not mean that I don't appreciate those times. I'll treasure them, memories etched in me forever.


I'm learnt enough and I'm matured enough, to know that in order for me to heal the right way, I cannot hate you. I cannot allow anger to control me and I will not. This will be a peaceful and willing transition that I'll make. I know now that once I set my mind to anything, I can do it. I have at least that much confidence in myself. And I know I'm strong enough. 


So I guess this is it. Here's me saying, I'm moving on. 

............

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice that you have. 

A letter to you

Dear you,


At some point in my life, I hope I'm either brave enough to tell you all this, or that things will have changed so drastically that I won't have to tell you any of this. I really don't know what's going through your mind right now, but I'm really hoping that you honestly have no idea what you're doing. Because if  I keep imagining that you're doing this unintentionally, that means that I did not judge your character wrongly. But if you're doing this intentionally to me, I really cannot fathom your reasons.


Do you have any idea how much it freaking hurts? How much it's eating me up inside although I'm not letting it show? You left. You freaking left and you didn't say goodbye. Ok maybe it's cuz I told you I don't like goodbyes but you didn't even say see you soon. You basically said NOTHING. It made me feel like I didn't matter at all. I know you probably matter to me, more than I will ever matter to you, but I thought we were friends, and at the very least I probably matter enough to you for you to say goodbye.


But clearly, as always, I was wrong. I am always, ALWAYS wrong. I keep trusting people and it sucks, cuz so far all those I trust just keep breaking their promises, over and over again. And at the end of the day I'm the one getting hurt. I honestly thought you'd be different, that you were one I could trust, and that no matter what happened you wouldn't break you promise. I really don't know if you realise it, but it feels like you're breaking your promise to me here. 


I hate not talking to you, I hate not knowing what's happening to you. I don't think I've ever gone this long not talking to you and not knowing what you're up to. I haven't viewed yr fb page in a week, cuz it just hurts so bad. And worst still is that I see you online all the time, but I guess you have better things to do than to say hi to me. It's just as if you moved on to the next phase of your life, left me behind and decided it would be funny to not let me know.


I think the one thing I really need is just closure. If you think it'll be better for you to NOT talk to me, can you at least have the courtesy to tell me? So that I'm not left here wondering what the hell is happening. Don't worry, I can definitely take it. Knowing that you're not talking to me FOR SURE will definitely be a lot easier than sitting here guessing, and coming up with stupid reasons myself. So please, if this is goodbye forever, I need you to tell me. So that I can move on and just get you outta my life.


Yours truly, 
Manda.

Summerset =)

If you notice, I was missing from Facebook, Tumblr and semi-missing from Twitter over the weekend. And that's cuz Flora and I were away on a weekend getaway with the Lims! Mark invited and we graciously accepted and GOSH, I have no regrets that I went, and that I had to endure some enormous lecturing from mom prior to going.


We actually didn't do very much there. LOL. Basically, it's swimming, swimming, eating, drinking, talking, laughing, taking pictures and more swimming. Sounds boring? HECK it it NOT when you have awesome company. =)


Since I haven't blogged properly in a while, I'll make this a nice, descriptive, picture-filled post k. =)

Our car's driver!! Mark Lim!! haha.

Passenger 1, Flora Oh!

Passenger 2, Shaun Lim!

Passenger 3, ME!!

My favourite picture of us! *loves*

The journey there was roughly about 4 hours. We stopped in Seremban for dim sum, and then it was straight on to Summerset. Arrived at probably 4 something. Checked in, got our stuff into the rooms, rest for a while and then into the pool!! =)

Living room of our room. (Flora, Celine, Brenda and me that is. LOL.)

The bed of the bedroom.

The full-length mirror in the bathroom. I heart the mirror!

Corridor outside our rooms. Celine taking a picture of me taking a picture of her. =)

The view from the balcony.

Had dinner in the resort itself. Aunty Veronica brought Curry so we fried egg, ate the curry with rice. Haha. Reminds me of those days in New Zealand when I did that with my cousins and family as well. After dinner, we crashed into the boys' room and played the eating watermelon game and the 7 game. 

The drinks.

Playing the drinking game.

Camwhoring after the games.

This pic of both of them is SOOOOOO cute. =)

Then we went to the beach, because I kept insisting and insisting and they finally relented. HAHA. And good thing we went, cuz the moon was so bright, the sky was SO pretty and we took very pretty silhouette pictures. =)

Mark's silhouette, cuz I think his is the best one.

Mark, Bryan, me and Shaun.

The guys doing some dragon ball shot. LOL.

After that we headed back to our rooms to sleep. Flora knocked out straight once we reached the room. I stayed up until almost 2.30 and was talking to Celine and Brenda. Haha. Fast forward to next morning. Woke up, breakfast and then swimming again!!

The swimming pool.

Flora's emo hut shot.

Belinda. =)

I dunno why they all surrounding Dan. Haha.

Celine, Mark, Brenda, Shaun and Bryan carrying Belinda. Flora taking the picture, me splashing the water.

Water ripple.

Then we took a break from the pool and had lunch. Klang Bak Kut Teh yo!! It was so awesome. We all went and ate straight without bathing first, except Bryan. Haha. And then supposed to go back to the room to rest. Flora slept off, again, and this is what the rest of us did. Haha.

Playing tap tap revenge.

Playing Pepsi Cola with Belinda. Haha.

Belinda was super awesome la. I thought she would be tired and wanted to take a nap, instead she asked me to play Pepsi Cola with her and she taught me how to do ballet. Haha. And even after Celine and Brenda slept, she still not sleepy. Thank goodness Flora woke up, so I went to sleep Flora took over and played with her. LOL. and then it was time for more swimming and also the beach.

Celine, Brenda and Shaun jumping into the water.

Floats, water and humans. LOL.

Mark's freaky shot.

Only shot of Dan I have that he is facing me straight on and is smiling. =)

Work it baby!! LOL.

Me with Mark and Flora. 

Presenting the cast of "Summerset" aka the Lims! =) *I love this shot btw*

After that it was dinner time and this time we drove out to Restoran Vivi to have dinner. They have AWESOME food!! =) Ate till I was so full, and then came back to the resort. Went to the boys' room again, this time we played Chop Chili Chop. So laughter inducing la the game, we all eventually end up not knowing what we're doing and we all somehow screw the chain up and end up laughing and drinking. =) 

Guys watching football after playing the game.

Girls taking mirror shots. =)

Flash too bright. Haha.

And here I present to you one of the most epic pictures from the trip. In my opinion, this picture is a SUPER good cure for emoness. Everytime I look at it, I laugh. Everyone I show it to laughs as well. So here I give you, a picture that is made to cure all forms of depression. HAHAHA.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

HAHAHAHA. I laughed again.

Celine and her trademark hand pose. Haha.

Miss forever sleeping, Flora. 

Mr Lim Eu Jin. =)

4 little sleeping piggies. =)

And then our last day in Summerset arrived. Despite waking up late in the morning, we still went and swam and had loads of fun. Brenda and I were on a "poke Daniel" spree. Haha. Got recording of it samore, can't wait to see it. LOL. And then we packed and it was time to go already. =(

I don't wanna go home.

*muaxx* Bye Summerset.

Went back to Restoran Vivi again to have lunch. Food was great again, no surprise there. Haha.

My fav shot of Be, she looks so cute here. =)

Brendadaaaaaa!!

Lim Shu Wen. =)

Mark looks evil here. Haha.

Be, me and Flora.

And then it was time to depart for home! It was almost another 4 hours back, but it certainly didn't feel like it was so long, because I had great company and people to kacau in the car. Hahaha.

The same driver. haha.

The clown. LOL.

Tattoo parlour!! HAHA.

My art work on Shaun. =)

Shaun's "abstract" art on me. LOL.

Tattoo-ed hands. =D

We saw a whole herd of cows. Haha.

Mr Awesome and Miss A-Bit-More-Awesome. LOL. *Inside joke*

Godsisters! *I LOVE this pic*

Markie Mark and me. =)

The awesome scenery from inside the car. so pretty ahhhh.

Last shot of the trip, right outside my house. *loves*

To conclude, I say again it was an awesome awesome trip. Thank you, Mark, for inviting me, and thank you to the Lims for allowing Flora and I to crash their family trip. And oh now I'm totally sun-burnt, but it's all worth it. Haha. And I have almost 600 pictures from the trip, Celine has another 600. 1200 pictures in all! we are epicly awesome la. Haha. And also, I give Shaun Lim the award "Certified Photogenic Poser". HAHA. Ok that's all.

P/s: I miss being in Summerset already.