Of being tired and of wanting to know when to give up.

• It's not even 10 yet and I already feel like sleeping. That clearly shows I'm tired, does it not? I am nocturnal okay.. Sleeping before midnight is unheard of. And what more wanting to sleep before 10pm? It completely contradicts who I am. Sigh. But yes I am tired. Both physically and emotionally. It might be due to the *coughshoppingcough* but I'm putting the blame on many other things. It cannot be cuz of the shopping cuz shopping makes me happy, and makes me forget my worries. I come back, I stare at the laptop, and I worry. Tell me which would you rather do?

• Anyways, I'm sidetracking la. Reason of this post is actually for.... nothing. I don't even know what's the reason of this. I just feel like I need to rant. I notice that recently all my posts are of ranting. The old me would have cared, cuz who wants to read a whole bunch of rants right? But the new me couldn't give a damn la. I blog what I want and if I wanna rant, that is exactly what I'll do.

• I don't know if I should give up, cuz in the first place, it's not as if I made effort to try and get it. But as time passes, and the more I think about it, the more I think it's time I give up la. Better to give up now when I can pull myself out, rather than attempt to give up few months down the road and cry like shit again cuz it's been too long.

• And here's something I know I cannot give up on. My stupid-bloody-effing-pain-in-the-ass A2. I just realised that I barely have 2 months to trials, and this time I need my trials results. The best thing is, I have become so so stupid. To top it off, I am a lazy-good-for-nothing PIG! SO the results? I am now totally lost in Physics, and I loathe it with all my heart. Not hate, but LOATHE! As for Maths, I barely know what's going on. At the rate I'm going, I might as well not sit for my A2 cuz I'm going to fail even if I sit for it anyway.

• I feel like I need to do what Tani did, and do some soul-searching as well. Just take the train to somewhere totally random, and spend the whole day thinking. Seems like a good plan, I just needa pick a day to skip class to do that. It's either that, or a getaway weekend la. Maybe I just need to spend some time with the people who truly love me and get me. A girls slumber party maybe?

• Aih I'm missing my girls a lot la k. College can get so unbearable cuz I don't see them everyday, the way I saw them everyday for hours when we were in high school. I really feel like I'm going to breakdown one of these days. It doesn't show cuz I don't wanna be all emo and sad in front of people. But I know it's going to happen soon, cuz I already almost cried today.

• Dear God, please give me the strength to endure whatever comes my way. Everything that I have to go through, I know you have reasons for them. And I know that they are all your plans, I might not understand them now, but in time I will. But I beg you dear Lord, if I do have to go through all these trials and challenges, that you will grant me your strength.. That I might not breakdown and cry, rather I'll stand up and walk again despite falling. I can only do it with Your strength. So please, help me. Amen.

• And Bffs, I miss you all. You have no idea how much I need US at this moment. This blog post took me longer than an hour to write, it is now already 11.30pm. I'm trying so hard to explain what I'm feeling but I can't.. I just wanna rewind time, I wanna go Dunkins again. I want this.

Of feeling guilty, yet proud of yourself.

Yeah how do you do that, ever wondered? Very simple, allow me to teach you. LOL.

• Firstly, you go out on a Monday evening after class, and you shop with your classmate. You set your mind on buying a pair of wedges/espadrilles(note A PAIR, only ONE), and so you walk around Sunway Pyramid scouting for the right pair. After going from Vincci to Nose to Nichii, you get a little sad because nothing seems perfect to you.

• As you decide to head on over to Viss, you see Voir. So you make your way there and VOILA, you see a cute pretty pair of black wedges/espadrilles that have ribbons! You try them on and they fit perfectly and feel comfy. But you hesitate because you worry you'll find something nicer in other shops. So you leave, telling the shop assistant you'll be back soon. Then you parade on to Viss but found nothing there.

• However, as you were walking back to Voir, you see The Shoe Connection. And you see this pair of pretty white wedges/espadrilles. You try them on and once again, they're a perfect fit. You turn to your classmate, and ask her which pair should you get. She then turns to you and says, "If it's me, I'll get both"!

• And so you being such a total shoe-addict, you buy the white pair, and then run back to Voir and got the black pair as well. Total damage done on the purse due to the 2 pairs of shoes=RM120. You have a remainder of 30 bucks for shopping, so you hurry over to Diva and buy a hairband for RM23. You feel very satisfied, but yet SUPER guilty, cuz including the 2 new pairs of shoes, you total "new shoe tally" for 5 months=7 pairs!

• After you arrived at your apartment, you sit and ponder about what you have done. You tried to push it outta your head but you can't. And so you sms some friends, and get some random replies.

1. Wth.. So I no need buy u present dy la.
2. 1 edi worry bout asking mom, now you buying 2??
3. U have too many shoes la wei. Too bad we different size, or not means surely I'll borrow edi.

• However none of the replies make you feel any better. So you sms someone whom you know will be able to make you feel less guilty, and you get a reply like that.

• No reason to feel bad cuz CNY is just around the corner plus you did well for AS. Humans need to reward themselves in order to be motivated.

• Ohh now that made you feel so much better, and so you take out your Maths work. You hate Maths, because Maths has stopped loving you ever since you started doing A2, but you try anyway. You go to the extend of calling a friend to teach you, something which you usually couldn't be bothered with. And you ended up completing almost all your homework. You can't help but be proud of yourself for not being such a lazy ass for once. =) And so you head to dreamland feeling a little guilty still, but also proud.

• TADA!! There you have it. The art of feeling guilty and proud of yourself at the same time. =)

Busy weekend.. OVER!! But Deiva this is for you!

• Yes the most tiring weekend of the year so far is over. I wanna blog bout it but it cannot happen now because pics are not up yet, and I am sleepy. LOL. Just wanted to state that fact. To those who don't know, it was Mary and Damien's wedding this week. I've known Mary for like years, ever since I was 7 I think. She's been like an elder sis/ baby sitter, so her wedding was something very meaningful to all of us. I'll blog about it soon. Promise.

• In the mean time, heading back to Subang tomorrow morning. Screw Subang la, it's not in KL and therefore I got no holiday. Grrr. Super lazy wanna go class tomorrow. But at least going shopping after class with Esther aka mommy, so got something to look forward to. =) But you know what, tomorrow will be the day that our dear Deiva is moving to a new class. Gosh I'll miss you la Deiva, really. This post goes out to you!

• Dear Deiva, thank you for all those times that you were there for me, when I talk about all my crap and nonsense, thank you for listening to me. =) Thank you for being such a great friend, and for being such an awesome classmate.. *hugs*

• 

• I know your decision is for your future's sake but I wish it didn't have to be this way. I'll definitely miss you. But you know I support you, and I'm proud of you for not giving up. Work hard and keep trying, and you'll be able to achieve your dream. =) for sure..

• 

• Our class gonna kehilangan one stalker!! My sifu.. =( who's gonna teach me the art of stalking now? lol.. And the class is not going to be the same without you, our treasurer. Now no more Deiva's voice going "Ehh ppl you need to pay me RM5 for the Physics book k, so I can pay Chester back".. But I quote Vee Yong, once a PE6.5, always a PE6.5!

• 

• Good luck and all the best k Deiva. Pls pls come back and see our class every now and then. You know the door will always be open for you. =) Love u love u love u!! *hugs*

• 

*my fav pic of you and me. I heart u!!*

For the Promise of Angels

My angel darling, Isaac, wrote this for me for my birthday.. First time someone writing a poem for me, I'm just so super touched.. Thanks Isaac I love u!! =)

• Look for me,
• In the gentle calm,
• As your skies seem to fall,
• For I am in the rain,
• And you will know,
• You can weather any storm.
• Look for me,
• In the sheer clarity,
• That comes with your tears,
• For I lie within those tracks,
• Bearing a promise,
• And you will know,
• You are not afraid to cry.
• Look for me,
• Within your perpetual smile,
• Even when the world,
• One you thought you knew,
• Does not smile back,
• I will,
• And you will know,
• You are not afraid to smile for the world.
• Look for me,
• In every word you say,
• And every word you don’t,
• In times of doubt and fear,
• Cling to the strength deep within,
• For there is where I’ll be,
• And you will know,
• You are not afraid to say what you need to.
• Look for me,
• Across your dark horizon,
• Past the murky shadows,
• And the taunting clouds,
• Look for that one star of hope,
• For there is where I’ll be,
• And you will know,
• You are not afraid to follow its light.
• Look for me,
• Within the flames,
• That burns through your heart’s winters,
• For there is where I’ll be,
• And you will know,
• You’re warmth will break through,
• The coldness of others.
• Look for me,
• Within the reach of your heavens,
• Across which you will soar,
• With the wings of faith,
• I am with you,
• And you will know,
• You can rise beyond what you ever thought possible.
• Look for me,
• On the rocky ground,
• Where you will stumble and fall,
• Look for your pain and hurt,
• Leave them with your footprints,
• For there is where I’ll be,
• Lay them with me,
• And you will know,
• That you will fly again.
• You only have to look,
• For there is where I’ll be.

My Valentine's Day

• Dear one and all, 14th February is coming up and so tell me tell me, what are your plans? =) For the Chinese, 14th of February signifies 2 important days, because it is not only Valentine's Day, but it is also Chinese New Year! So, is it going to be family day, or a day out with your special someone? As for me, I'm making it both! haha.. Wanna know who's my date? It is none other than the one and only TAYLOR LAUTNER!! (so what if he is younger than me?)

• 

*melts*

• Ok maybe he's not exactly my date, but if he is, here's how the day would work out. Since it's CNY, I won't have a choice but to spend some time with family first, and I'm pretty sure Taylor wouldn't mind since he's so nice. =)

• We'll go for CNY mass in church in the morning, and then we'll head over to my grandmother's house, and we'll have a family lunch, and of course collect angpaus. Taylor will be exposed to our Chinese culture. =)

• After lunch, Taylor and I will head somewhere for some alone time! =) Since he worked so hard to get his solid body, I'd say that we'll go do something that makes use of all that muscle! lol..

• 

See the amazing bod? =)

• We'll go for an adventurous date! we'll start off by going rock-climbing, flying fox, abseiling, and things like that. Heck, we'll even redo a New Moon scene by having motorcycles tutorial, him teaching me. =)

• Towards the evening, we'll head to a beach, where he gets to show off his hot bod, and we can just laze around on the beach, talking and enjoying each other's company. We'll sit and watch the sunset together, and then have a simple picnic dinner together. I'll prepare some simple food and we can eat while we count the stars in the sky, with me cuddling up to him. haha. (hey a girl can dream can't she?)

• So that's how I'd be spending my Valentine's Day, with my awesome date Taylor Lautner. What about you?

P/s: Nuffnang pls tell me this is good enough because I really wanna watch the show!! =)

I'm scared, I really am..

• I just need to rant, I can't take it anymore. I don't know if anyone will understand me. I'm contemplating going to a counsellor as I type this, because I realise that everything I say is becoming very freaky. I sound like a raving lunatic, an over-the-top psychopath, but I swear that this is how I'm really feeling now. There is no exaggeration.

• I don't even know where to start, and I already feel like crying cuz I don't know if I'm supposed to feel this way. I realised that over the year, I have become very very protective of my heart. And I know this sounds like nothing, but it has gotten to the extend that I have made a vow, not to fall for ANY guy, until I know for sure that the guy has something for me, because I don't wanna get hurt again.

• Yes I know it is mean, and I know it is selfish, but I cannot help it. I really can't. I imagine feeling all that hurt all over again, and to feel that hole-in-the-chest feeling as well, and I just can't take it. I don't ever wanna feel that way anymore. Hence, my stupid vow. I never thought I would actually carry out the vow. But now I find myself doing it.

• I'm not going to disclose any information, but I thought that I had something for someone, and erm, maybe maybe he might have something for me oso. But now, I'm wondering why I have something for him, and I'm pulling away, cuz I somehow keep thinking that he doesn't have anything for me, and I don't wanna fall and get hurt all over again. NOW do you dare tell me that's not stupid? cuz I feel it really is, but I'm the one feeling it. so in a way, I guess that makes me stupid.

• It's so ridiculous, that I am actually so afraid of getting hurt I'm actually resorting to pulling back from falling for any guy. Am I going to be like that forever? People say in love we gotta take chances, but I've taken so many and they failed, and I am scared, I really am. I don't even know if this is normal, I feel like I need to see a counsellor or something.

• I haven't felt so emo in so long, but tonight it's really hitting me. I don't know how else to express myself, so I figured this is the best way. My blog. The only medium I have for me to fully express myself. And now everyone is going to think I'm nuts and I deserve to be in a mental institute. Thank you very much, I've realised that a long time ago.

I feel old..

• Yes I am finally back after a week plus of not updating my blog. So out of character for me, but I guess even the most addicted bloggers get lazy sometimes. =) Still, no excuse for abandoning my blog I suppose. Sorry bloggie. I missed you, I just didn't know what to blog about, and I didn't have internet in Subang anyway. Now that I am back in Kajang, I realise I have so much to blog about, and I can't wait to get started. Warning, blog posts are going to be long and wordy.

• I'm totally dreading next week. Firstly, my AS results are supposed to be out on the 25th, and I really really don't want to see them at all. I'm pretty sure that if I don't get what I aimed for, I'm gonna start crying, and I do NOT wanna do that in college, in front of my classmates k.

• Next thing, I'm dreading my birthday. Yeah, ironic I know, but i am honestly not looking forward to it at all. I don't wanna turn 19. I know age is just a number, and as long as I feel young at heart it doesn't matter. But I truly feel old, and I truly don't want my birthday to come. It's probably gonna be an even sadder birthday than last year.

• To make things even more awesome, I have a freaking Physics test the day after my birthday. A test which I am positive I am going to flunk, because Physics is like my hell now. A2 does not even seem passable. Someone, please give me a big knock on the head, slap me and then teach me Physics. haha..